What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 12:13
She found it foreign!.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But it wasn’t much.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
When she asked me how she looked .
How can someone feel more FTM when AMAB?
I will be 64.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She wouldn,t have been !
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My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I was seconnd youngest,
Why did you choose not to join Mensa?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Would this be the day?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
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I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
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And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
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We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
What did i know ?
Have you ever been forced into bestiality?
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I have no regrets .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I don,t even have a pension.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
All the time i was locked up.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
(And it was in our own minds.)
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
So whats the point in blame.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
It was going to be , some day.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Was to survive, this bastard.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He knew the spot.
My life is so biszare .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Im still living with it.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
One cannot live in the past .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Put me off passion for life!!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Who then, do I blame.?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I was 9 years of age.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
As i do to all so called friends.?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I was very sick at this time too.
We were not on the streets..
I think the readers, may guess!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Why did i forgive my father ?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I did it because my mum asked me too!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I could never make a relationship work though!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I was scared of men, in general
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I said to her
Comes on , in middle age.
I never cut or harmed myself..
But ive been too sick for many years..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He resisted the act ,that day.
And i lived it daily.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She loved him until the end.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
This is soul school!.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I waited trembling.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Ive learnt so much.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She was in good health!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But, we were locked up after school.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I write beautiful poetry .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
She married twice! .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
We all went to grammer schools
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
So, i spoilt her more .
My family never makes their pension either.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.